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Aurelia Anne
You know what is an absolute treasure? Sleep. Glorious sleep. And you never realize just how much you need it under it suddenly up and *poof* disappears. That's pretty much where I'm at these days. You really can't go very long without sleep. I was at 72 hours and my brain turned into jello and about leaked out my ears. I practically forced myself to get something only to go down another 48 hour stretch. Last night I took 3 Advil PMs and it did absolutely nothing. I managed about 4 hours though and I'll take what I can get where I can get it at this point. My neighbor across the hall told me I looked like complete shit, like I was some kind of junkie.

You know what freaks me the fuck out? My dad stopped sleeping right before he died. He took handfuls of Advil PMs that did absolutely nothing trying to get to sleep. You know what else freaks me out? I somehow got cellulitis IN MY EYE. IN MY GODDAMN EYE. I woke up one morning and the whole damn thing was swollen shut. And I have to ask, why does all of this crazy, off the wall, bonkers crap happen to ME?

On an unrelated note a potential opportunity to be a tech in the ME's office may come available and my friend who's a social worker down there has been pushing me hard for the last couple of years really in that direction. This time she gave the guy in charge my cell phone number and told him to call me when the test opens up again. Day shifts get to dissect and perform the autopsies, night shifts get to run the pick up calls. Did I ever mention that this is my dream?

It just scares me to death. I wish I were braver.
 
 
Aurelia Anne
19 October 2014 @ 05:41 pm
Congratulations baby girl, on being signed to your first modeling/acting contract with a major local agency. There are great things in store for you, you were meant for great things. This is but one step on that journey to greatness.
 
 
Aurelia Anne
18 October 2014 @ 05:39 pm
When I was growing up, if there was a newsstory or something on TV I remember my dad sitting in his huge leather chair and point at the television and say, "See? See how disgusting that is? If God wanted us to be gay then the human race would just died out." I'm not really sure if he was saying this to me or at the TV in general. I'd just kind of stared at him and went back to whatever my teenage self was doing at the time. It never came up again.

Flash forward many, many moons, only a few years before he would tragically pass away and I'm in the kitchen of his small apartment fixing something for him and he's in that same, although now much older, more beat up, huge leather chair watching TV. DOMA had not yet been repealed and there was a newsstory on TV about the fight for marriage equality.
"You see this?"
"See who dad?"
"These gay people on TV. I don't get why they can't get married? They should have the right to get married just like everybody else. What do you think, Lolly?"

I just smiled and brought him his sandwich.
 
 
Aurelia Anne
16 October 2014 @ 09:40 pm
Well fuck that for starters. It's g-day at the kid's school tomorrow and she didn't want to go so I wasn't going to make her go. Instead, we're going to go shopping and maybe out to lunch, fun stuff to take her mind off things.

Then she says to me as I'm putting her to bed, "I want to go see Grandad tomorrow too. It is afterall grandparents' day." I just smiled and nodded. And then my heart just stopped.

I'm angry. I wasn't angry at first, I was just really sad. But the closer we get to the end of the year, the closer we get to the day that he died the angrier that I get. Angry that he fucked up grandparents' day for his whoopie thing. Angry he's missing out on so much more that he would have enjoyed about the things that she's doing. Angry that he chose alcohol over us. Angry that he left us. Angry, always so angry for every reason....for no reason....angry that all I end up doing is screaming at grave and get no answer. Angry that I was just sobbing so loudly my 11 year old got out of bed to see if I was okay.

It's not cool. IT IS NOT OKAY that she has to get out of bed TO PROP ME UP.

I feel so lost. I feel so small. this is what i hide from the world.
 
 
Aurelia Anne
15 October 2014 @ 09:39 pm
I have cellulitis in my eye.

HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!

diseasedeye

2 days into 10 days of an antibiotic, an antibiotic shot in my ass, and a vial of eyedrops, and my eye still looks like this. Again, HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!
And worse, I don't even have a cool eye patch or anything.

Sigh.
 
 
Aurelia Anne
10 October 2014 @ 08:28 pm
One more photo shoot.
1 more response from another modeling agency.
1 more trip up to NYC. Also, side note, driving around Manhattan isn't any worse than driving around downtown Philadelphia. I'm just worried about my car, all of those miles.

I'm very careful about what it is I put on those OTHER social media sites (no name mentioned) with regards to pictures, news, etc. given the size and substance of my "list". Once people look at you as a competitor the list of those who have it out for you can be longer than the list of those who don't. I realized that immediately after her 2nd first runner up placement at one of her pageants this summer given the requests that came in.

I dont like being sneaky. I don't like feeling I always have to watch my back. I don't like holding back but I also don't want a knife in my back, I'm not a very good game player.

We have a huge contest coming up the beginning of November. Time to get to work. *snapsnapsnap*
 
 
Aurelia Anne
04 October 2014 @ 01:15 am
Good Grief.
webready © ama-photography.com
 
 
Aurelia Anne
02 October 2014 @ 09:26 pm
I opted to have genetic testing done to find out what types of medicines I will most likely tolerate the best. It only took about 3 days for the results to come back and it just made my day. It made me feel hopeful for the first time in a long time, that I had been right all along.

The list of drugs in the "green" column was very short compared to those in the yellow and red columns. And the red column included drugs that I had very bad reactions to, same with some in the yellow. It also confirmed  that SSRIs are bad bad things that should be avoided at all costs.

It was just a great feeling to know that it wasn't "all in my head" and no i shouldn't "give it more time".

Here's to hoping to be that much closer to feeling better and feeling better sooner. 
 
 
Aurelia Anne
23 September 2014 @ 01:41 pm
And now back on.

Lilianna went on another modeling audition. We'll hear a decision in mid October with the shoot for the spring LookBook being in November. 1 pagean in October, another in November plus a fashion show.

And my ex in laws. Ugh.

I'm just over a lot of things, a lot of people right now. I have the two white trash neighbors' yippy little drop kick dogs pooping in the grass in front of the building and then going after my window and the idiots hold the leashes doing nothing about it. It's getting really old.

I have too much to worry about right now than to deal with continued idiocy. And I will drop kick those motherfucking dogs. 
 
 
Aurelia Anne
11 September 2014 @ 07:06 pm
Out of the Blue
by Me

You churn my stomach
And pop up out of the blue
Are You Bi-Polar?

Tuna Casserole
by Me

For one brief moment
I thought I was special now?
Misplaced left overs

Bonus inspiration:

Fooled again
by Me

Two bright, shiny stars
Are they your eyes that I see?
Only headlights--SMACK!